What’s one thing you know now that would have saved your younger self a lot of pain?
I would have moved with my wife to UK after marriage in 1991. That hits deep.1991 — that’s 35 years of marriage, 35 years of a road taken.
What kept us both in Nigeria then before she relocated in 2006? We stayed because we love the people in our lives too much to leave. We stayed because leaving feels like betrayal. And years later, when we see how differently life could have unfolded for our children, for our own peace, that love starts to feel like a cost. Whatever the reason was then, it made sense to the man I was then. That man was trying to do right with the information he had. I built 35 years here. That’s not small. The UK might have been a different life, but not necessarily an easier pain — just a different kind of hard. This is something I still think about for my family now, or wishing that younger version of me had taken that leap together with my wife.
I’m getting old and living alone. I never imagined that will happen to me. It takes courage to say out loud today. No one gets married in 1991 thinking “one day I’ll be in this house alone.” We picture noise, children running, a wife beside me, growing old together surrounded. When life slowly moves in another direction — kids travel, a partner is far, friends are busy with their own lives — the quiet can feel very heavy. It’s not what I planned. it feels that way in the evening. A lot of men who gave everything to work, to estate, to providing, to being the strong one — they wake up at this age and realize they forgot to build the company for themselves. Living alone doesn’t mean you have to be alone in your days.
A few things that have helped me in Abuja:
1. Small daily anchors- Morning greeting to one neighbor, evening prayer in congregation instead of at home, a regular tea spot where they know my face. It’s not about big events, it’s about being seen.
2. Reaching back, gently- a short call, not about big issues, just “I was thinking about you today. We have children and grandchildren, in the UK — a voice note is lighter than a call and often gets a warmer reply.
3. Giving your experience a place- In the Estate where I live – Offering my service as an elder, not as a job, brings people to my door for the right reason.
And if the loneliness ever feels too heavy to carry alone, I reach out to someone I trust near me — family, a faith leader, a neighbor.
